Mooch’s New Industrial Strength All Purpose Cleaner

You know, in some ways, I have it pretty good.  My husband, wonderful man that he is, builds me things all the time.  I have some of the coolest stuff.  Like my computer desk.  Very cool.  Every time I sit down to write, I am reminded of just how thoughtful my husband is.  (No, I’m not a man married to another man.  I’m a woman.  Yup.  For those of you who didn’t already know, C. D. Blizzard is a woman.)  But I digress…what was I saying…oh, yeah…my hubby-poo is so thought—

ACK!!! Gross!!!  Sigh.  Mooch just laid her lips on my arm.  Mooch is a loveable lab mix.  Very intelligent, very affectionate, perfect dog, except…she has those floppy lips that she can drape on things.  Like the couch, my favorite chair, the kitchen table, my headrest in the car, and…my arm.  That’s not so bad except for the fact that there’s drool in them there lips, and that drool is…different.  I don’t know what it is about Mooch’s slobber, but it smells really, REALLY weird and really, REALLY disgusting.  It can clean the floor like no other cleaner on the market, but the smell.  YUCK!!  If I could bottle her drool and market it, I could be a gazillionaire by now.  When I say it cleans the floor, I’m not kidding.  My dog’s drool is industrial strength, maybe even beyond industrial strength.  I’ve seen Mooch’s drool peel fifty years of ground-in dirt off an old terrazzo floor that had been hit with bleach, ammonia, every kind of floor stripper and cleaner known to man, and a belt sander.  Seven licks from Mooch, and the dirt was gone.  Which begs the question: what the hell is in her drool that can peel off what no manmade product can?  And should I be scared of it?

I have it on my arm, for cripey sakes.  Lots of it.  Gross.  Now I gotta go wash my arm.  I’ll be right back. ……………………………………………………………….Ah, okay, that’s better.  No more Mooch drool on my arm.  Hate the drool, love the dog.  She’s too cool for words, really.

I’m pretty sure my dog could drive the car if I gave her the keys.  I’ve never had a dog like Mooch.  My dog learned to lean into a curve by watching the blinker lights on the dashboard.  She can’t see a snake in the backyard but, in the car, she watches everything like a hawk.  When we first get in the car, she watches me put the keys in the ignition.  She watches me put my seat belt on.  Her eyes follow the movement as I click the seatbelt into its little thingie.  She watches me put the gearshift into drive.  If I adjust the radio volume, she watches my fingers.  If I adjust the air conditioner vent, she watches that.  When I turn on the blinker, she looks over at the little lights on the dash to see which direction we will be turning.  She watches the road ahead of us until I do something inside the cab, then she watches whatever I’m doing before returning her attention to the road ahead.  It’s bizarre, but really cool. 

She’s a great companion.  Stinky, but a great companion.  Just keep the drool away from me, okay.

C. D. Blizzard is the author of the novels Blackwater, Broken, and Profile.

Wanna see those novels?  Go To: www.cdblizzard.com

Copyright 2008 C. D. Blizzard