My Husband’s Keeper

In the past year I have encountered many people just like me who have a spouse suffering with cancer.  Cancer is a burden for the person suffering, and it is emotionally crushing for the spouse of the person suffering.  My husband and I have gone through several years of living on the edge of anxiety, stress, and emotional trauma.  In and out of hospitals, financial crisis, and hardships.  But one thing has remained strong and steadfast: I will always be there for him in whatever way possible, to support him emotionally, to be there for him when he is terrified, to cradle his head when he is sick.  I want him to know every single day that he is loved and that he is not alone.  This is my mission as his wife and his caregiver.  And I do not find this a burden.  To the contrary, I’ve been given a gift: the gift of showing unconditional love to another human being.  For the first time in my life, there are no strings attached to the affection and devotion that I give to this beautiful soul that is my husband. 

It is for this reason that I was shocked to discover how many spouses feel burdened by being caregiver to an ill partner.   Yes, it is difficult for the caregiver.  Yes, it is emotionally painful. Yes, we caregivers have sleepless nights and feel deprivation of all sorts.  But my husband is not a burden to me.  I am just glad that he is with me, glad that I am the one that he can lean on and turn to.  Because I know that I will never let him down.

Caregivers walk a fine line every day.  It takes guts, courage, and discipline to be in the shoes of a caregiver.  We are daily reminded that the cancer patient did not wish this upon themselves, for the sake of pity or attention.  The cancer patient did not wish this upon themselves to become a burden.  We have to be so careful not to make the cancer patient feel any more like a burden than they already do.  The weight of suddenly losing health and the capacity to earn an income is very difficult for most cancer patients to deal with.  At the very least, my husband knows that I am in this for the long haul, and I contribute whatever I can, in whatever way I can.  And always with love in my heart.

I grieve every single day for what my husband is going through.  But I also have been placed in a position of learning to focus myself in the moment.  And this focus means that every time my husband smiles or laughs or reaches out to touch my hand, it is a special, unforgettable moment, absolute in and of itself.  A moment that I will treasure now and forever.  A moment that I fully appreciate.  How many of us actually live in the present moment?  Not many.  Jobs, children, and chores usually keep us focused on the mundane.  Being a caregiver is like being handed a spiritual gift.  A gift that teaches us about ourselves and about what it is like to recognize our own soul.  At least that aspect of it is pretty darn awesome.

C. D. Blizzard is the author of the novels Blackwater, Broken, and Profile.

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Copyright 2008 C. D. Blizzard