I Want Some Marilynn Monroe Underwear, Or Else I Give Up

This is a big world.  I mean, really, folks, this is a pretty large chunk of rock we’re all living on.  So, why can’t any company on this entire globe make a pair of women’s underwear that actually fit?  Is it too much to ask?

How many women spend a fortune on underwear, get it home, try it on, and they throw it in the garbage in absolute disgust and frustration…right after the meltdown that makes them tear at their hair and sit in ashes and sackcloth for a month. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to build a bonfire and burn all the underwear I’ve purchased and never been able to use.  That’s a lot.  The smoke from this bonfire might well cover the sun for a few weeks.  In the meantime, that same smoke would drift around the globe and contribute to the world’s environmental problems.  I’d donate all this underwear to a charity, but people who need charity want decent underwear just as bad as everyone else.  I feel that I would actually be doing them a disservice rather than helping them.

I’m not talking thongs here.  Thongs are for people who enjoy discomfort.  Honestly…thongs?  Why even bother to wear underwear at all?  Thongs are just a rubber band with some frilly cloth in between.  What good is that?  I don’t particularly enjoy discomfort.  I want something that fits and stays put.  These companies don’t even have the fit part downpat.  And they’ve been making underwear since the dinosaurs died out.

It’s not so difficult, companies! Get on the bandwagon, will ya?  It’s simple engineering.  Don’t build underwear for a two-by-four.  Build underwear for women.  Remember Marilynn Monroe?  She had curves!  Lots of them!  Most women do.  Build some @#!@# underwear for Marilynn Monroe, will ya? 

This is a cry for help, for women all over the globe.  Simple engineering.  It’s not about putting more fabric in the butt part.  It’s about the crotch panel.  The crotch panel should naturally widen as it travels toward the back of the pant.  Duh!!!  You pay people loads of money and they can’t figure this out.  Wider crotch panel in the back, the undies stay over the behind and stay put in general. Figure it out! And hurry up about it!  I’m getting real ornery over this.  Besides, I hate sewing.  Don’t make me do this myself.  I got other things to think about.  

Copyright 2008   C. D. Blizzard    

C. D. Blizzard is the author of the novels Blackwater, Profile, and Broken.

Go To www.cdblizzard.com